First of the ‘Firsts’

It was Mags’ birthday on Thursday. The first of the ‘firsts’. Our little family had a special tea together. The grandchildren had baked for Nanny and were united in their knowledge that Nanny wouldn’t have wanted any sad faces on the day. So we kept it light, raised a glass and held Mags close, each in our own way.

These ‘firsts’ are going to be tough but I’ve made it a point to steer clear of grief counselling, just as I’ve given articles and self-help books on the subject a wide berth. Frankly I would find immersing myself in so many shared experiences all at once totally overwhelming. I find the collective kindness of friends who have faced grief in their own lives to be a most effective salve.

Having said all that, I did watch the Richard Coles documentary about bereavement, recently shown on Channel Four, optimistically entitled ‘Good Grief’. In the programme he embarked on a “personal grief voyage”, trying all manner of activities from laughter yoga to surfing, boxing and group discussion. I couldn’t really relate to much of the content but, as is often the case, one thing did stick. A woman at a retreat for widows spoke about the emotions that rush at you simultaneously. The tension between the acute sense of loss and coming to terms with an uncertain, yet undeniable future. A friend on the other side of the world (you know who you are) highlighted this very thing to me, based on her own experience. It’s the thing I’m finding most difficult. Trying to get my head around what kind of future awaits is constantly pulling against deep personal loss. It’s this tension that so often results in periods of paralysis. The panic inducing sensation of being stuck, all emotions on hold. Can’t laugh or cry even though the urge to do both is strong. But expression will have its way. Today, unexpectedly, while watching the harrowing ‘Five Days at Memorial’ (AppleTV) I wept openly. A TV dramatisation I know, but an account of terrible and tragic loss all the same. The pressures and dilemmas faced by those human beings who suddenly found themselves making life and death decisions in unimaginable circumstances.

Grief: “intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death”, according to the dictionary - or - Grief: a long and difficult journey during which most people pass the time reliving fond memories, trying not to let the sadness become suffocating, while all the time contemplating their own mortality, according to my experience so far.